Fate Stay Unfinished
by Racke
Summary: Unfinished stories, including high school AUs, mobster wars, and food-fights. Some romance, some crack, and perhaps the tiniest bit of adventure.
1. Sleeping Arrangements

Sleeping Arrangements

**Summary: Fate Stay Night, a fight between Rin and Archer develops into quite the thing, Crack.**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

XXX

"Can I use the guestroom, Master?"

"No, that's for guests."

"It's not like you've got any guests coming over anyway," Archer pointed out.

"It's for _guests_." Rin insisted. "You're not a guest, and so my decision is final."

"Fine. Can I use the couch?"

"No, you'll get it dirty."

"... Then where exactly am I supposed to sleep?"

"I already made a room for you."

Archer paused for a moment. "Are you talking about that rolled up carpet in the basement?"

"You've got a problem with that?" Rin glared at him for this obvious defiance against her authority.

"Yes, in fact I do. And I think that any decent social services would agree with me."

"So, you don't appreciate what your Master so kindly provides for you?"

"Actually, you pointed at the corner and told _me_ to set it up."

"If you set it up yourself, then what in the world are you complaining about?" She smiled evilly.

"I didn't think you'd be heartless enough to actually force me to sleep _there_." Archer growled out.

"You shouldn't be so damn picky, Archer!" Rin pointed her finger at him, readying a Gandr.

"I'm not being picky, I'm standing up for my human rights!" Was the shouted response.

"So, you're disobeying your Master?" Rin asked with a sudden calm.

"Yes." He stated plainly.

"You know what this means, don't you?" She still hadn't lost that eerie calm.

"That I still retain some of my human dignity?" He questioned sarcastically.

"This means _war_."

XXX

Shirou entered a divided house. Literally. There was what looked to be a makeshift war-trench through the middle of the living room and everything.

"Shirou?" Came the unsettlingly sweet voice of Rin from one side of the battlements. "How nice of you to drop by and help me put this aggravating Servant in his place."

Shirou opened his mouth to explain that that hadn't been his intentions, as well as inquire as to the reason behind this great divide. But then she shoved a finger in his face. A finger fully capable of shooting Gandr. Shirou instead did the sensible thing and nodded fervently.

"Traitorous fiend!" Came the booming voice from the other side of the wall. "Don't give in to her temptations! She will treat you like a slave and throw you away like a dishrag once she'd done with you!"

"Shut up Archer!" A Gandr was fired in the general direction of the voice.

Of course, Shirou hadn't been allowed to enter the home of a potential enemy without backup, and as such Saber arrived on the scene, mere moments after the first shot had been fired.

"She told me to sleep in the basement on a rolled up rug!" Archer's indignant voice came from somewhere on the other side.

And obviously Saber declared this to be a most heinous of crime, only comparable to being starved. Archer promptly declared that he hadn't eaten anything since he'd been summoned.

Saber joined _his_ side.

Shirou was forced to reconsider his choices of siding with such a horrible person.

Rin shoved a finger in his face.

"I'm sorry Saber! I don't want to die! I will try to corrupt this side from the inside!"

"Very well, we shall remember your sacrifice when we meet on the battlefield." Came Saber's serious tone.

"The hell we will! No mercy for the enemy!" Archer declared in a voice that sounded just a bit too happy about the prospect of gutting him for Shirou to be truly comfortable with it.

XXX

"What _are_ you people doing in here?" Kotomine stared at the scene in front of him in confusion – he'd seen many strange things, but this was new.

"War!" Came the declarations from both Archer and Rin – Saber was busy snacking on something, and Shirou was messing around with a toaster.

"But why are the Servants teamed _against you_?" Kotomine had seen many stupid things in his life, but actually declaring war against a Servant of all things was just _insane_.

"She's a horrible person!" Came Archer's shout from behind an overturned table.

"Silence, you uppity Servant!" A Gandr impacted the table, leaving it smoking slightly.

"The toast is ready, Saber!" Shirou called out to his favorite Servant – Archer was an _ass_.

"No fraternizing with the enemy!" Rin rounded on the traitor in their midst.

"Then hand over the toaster, you tyrant!" Came Archer's defiant cry.

"You will obey me!" She shot another Gandr after him.

Kotomine was starting to wonder if he'd accidentally dropped her on the head at some point of her childhood. Not that he'd mentioned that thought out loud of course, the violent girl was on a hair-trigger it seemed.

Shirou had used Archer's distraction to lob the toasts over the Servants' defenses, into the eagerly waiting hands of Saber. Rin glared at him for that, but didn't want to risk losing her only ally against the Servant horde, and as such didn't fire a Gandr at him.

She fired it at the ground beneath his feet, making him dance for his defiance.

Kotomine decided that he really wanted to be on the side of the Servants.

Rin leveled a finger at him.

Kotomine hoped that he'd be able to get out of here before Gilgamesh wandered in, because he _really_ didn't think he'd survive being on opposite sides of the King, and he really couldn't see him joining Rin's side.

"That's what I thought." Rin grinned smugly as she secured another ally.

XXX

Sakura could only stare in disbelief at the scene that was playing out in front of her.

Rider was standing behind her with a look that was both happy and vaguely guilty, like a puppy that thought it'd been a lot of fun to see all that destruction but was quite aware that there might be consequences for it, and was fairly sure that it'd be the one to get blamed.

Shinji was hanging from the ceiling wrapped in rope of many different varieties, and even some duct-tape for his mouth.

There was a makeshift war-trench dividing the big room, and on each side were people throwing things at each other. Shirou was throwing fresh toast at Saber – and whatever hard, heavy and hopefully sharp objects in his possession at Archer. Rin was shooting Gandr at everything that moved, including those on her side. Kotomine was reluctantly throwing random dinnerware interspersed with sharp-looking cutlery at the Servants. Saber was throwing compliments at Shirou for his wonderful toast, and insults at Rin's cowardly manner whenever something that could be eaten was damaged by the barrage. And Archer was launching socks at Rin's head, smelly socks, the kind of smelly socks you'd be hard pressed to find in a well-used locker-room occupied by athletes without personal hygiene.

Sakura could admire Archer's accuracy, not once had he missed nailing her sister in the face with the smelly socks. In fact, the only time they didn't make it was when she either shot them down, dodged them, or when he briefly turned his attention at Shinji for a few well-placed shots to keep him from being too noisy when trying to cry out in outrage.

It was absolute chaos. Rin was cackling madly, Shirou was feeding Saber, and pretty much everyone was shouting insults at each other.

Rolling up her sleeves, Sakura did the first thing that came to mind; she made her way over to her senpai and started helping him with dinner-preparations.

XXX

Lancer had to admit that he really didn't know what he was doing there. He and his Master had just been minding their own business, casually strolling along down the street. And then he'd located Servants in the vicinity, and suddenly there he was.

A smelly sock ricocheted through the open door behind him.

Lancer's eye twitched.

_This_ was the Holy Grail War? The war between heroes of old? The kind of war in which legends were born and allowed to walk again eternally?

"Rider! Dinner's ready!" The voice of a young woman cried out through the chaos.

A woman answered the call to her Master's side, and suddenly she was off, setting the table... or blanket, in this case – the table looked to have been overturned in an attempt to create cover from their enemies weaponry.

The call to dinner was apparently some form of ceasefire, as the smelly socks finally ceased to rain down and the retaliating curses finally abated.

Lancer was confused.

Why would heroes of old be fighting using _smelly socks_ and weak curses, in a house with a makeshift war-trench running through it?

It just didn't make any sense.

And then the participants in this mad display finally noticed that there had been a new arrival.

The situation was difficult to fully grasp, but it seemed as if one of the Servants present had disagreed with his own Master and they'd declared war on each other. Then everyone else had been dragged along for the ride.

It took all of five seconds to pick a side.

The red-dressed young woman was quite upset at them for it, especially as his Master had deigned to join him, despite her threats.

He really had gotten very lucky when they were handing out Masters it seemed.

XXX

The Tohsaka Manor was large, really large, but even it couldn't contain so many people with so much of a divide between them. Therefore, it wasn't very surprising that when Ilyasviel von Einzbern arrived at the scene, the fighting had managed to spill out into the surrounding streets.

Ilya had barely opened her mouth to give her speech about the hopelessness of their struggle, as Berserker would slaughter them all, when suddenly a smelly sock hit her in the face.

They'd _pay_ for this. There'd be no mercy. She'd kill them all.

Another sock hit her in the face.

"What? You can't even win in a sock war, Einzbern? How pathetic!" A red-clothed man declared in a mocking tone.

Ilya saw red.

She wasn't really sure what happened after that, but suddenly she was sitting behind makeshift barriers, trying to catch her breath, with a well-used bat resting across her lap. Berserker had somehow tied two gigantic pillows together with some rope, and was currently swinging them over his head, wrecking destruction and chaos over the opposing side.

He was being peppered endlessly with smelly socks, and even the blonde Servant had been brought out of her feeding in order to repel the giant, using what seemed to be a wooden ladle to bat away the strange pillow-contraption.

It was an odd day. A _very_ odd day.

Ilya laughed happily and hurried to the aid of her Servant, deflecting the smelly socks with practiced ease.

XXX

Turns out that, even if the Tohsaka manor was _ludicrously_ large when you remembered that there really was only one Tohsaka whom resided in it, having pretty much all of the members of the Holy Grail War present made everyone painfully aware that there was no way they'd be able to fit in there, and still have room for their defenses against the opposing sides.

The solution?

Simple; relocation.

Unfortunately for the enthusiastic members of the war, there were only really three places that would fulfill the specified criterias. The Einzbern castle far away from the city and hidden deep within the forest. The Emiya mansion with a rather large courtyard. And, finally, the Ryuudouji Temple.

Considering that _nobody_ trusted Ilya not to lay down traps for the opposing side before they even arrived, her castle was quickly crossed off the list. And whilst everyone knew that Shirou was far too stupid to pull that off himself, they'd realized that at some point during their stay, someone would have to explain their presence to Taiga.

Thus, it wasn't really all that surprising that Assassin, standing at the top of the steps to the Temple, was forced to witness a virtual _army_ of both Servants and Masters marching up the steps.

Thankfully for everyone's nerves, Sakura had taken it on herself to explain the situation, thereby removing: Shirou's natural capability of getting himself into trouble, Rin's hatred towards free will, and Berserker's battle-crazed roaring.

After briefly excusing himself to ask his Master of this change in the War, Assassin gracefully allowed them entrance into the grounds.

When Rin attempted to make the residents of the Temple pick a side, Caster had kindly, firmly, and most assuredly, locked herself in a room. A room she'd earlier managed to coax Souichirou into. Ever since, she'd only emerged once, sticking her head out in order to order Assassin to keep watch of the door instead of the Temple gates.

Shirou had been very studiously _not_ been paying attention to the fact that Caster had seemingly been wearing nothing but a bed-sheet at that point. And after a brief ceasefire that was spent trying to figure out a way to create barriers against sound, they sympathetically patted Assassin on the back, gave him a pair of earplugs, and then moved a bit farther away.

Caster, it seemed, was very much a screamer.

XXX

Gilgamesh peeked over the Temple gates, wondering where in the world everyone had disappeared to.

He was promptly hit in the face by a stray dirty sock.

Nobody really noticed the loud crash he made as he promptly fell from the gate and began the unfortunate trip down the very long stair leading up to them, making even more crashes as he tumbled down them in a very uncontrolled manner.

Instead of noticing Gilgamesh's plight, the combatants were busy keeping tabs on Shirou and Sakura, who were currently grilling something mouth-watering for lunch. Saber, of course, was jumping up and down besides them like an enthusiastic puppy, but nobody wanted to comment on that... _again_.

Lunch had become an hour of peace, on behalf of that one time when even Rin started to get too hungry to fight and had been forced to call off her assault on Archer's snow-fort. Nobody knew exactly how the man had manged to acquire such a thing, but it'd been a lot of fun to lay siege to, so everyone was okay with that.

Assassin had after the first day been ordered to make a 'food-hatch' in the sliding door – Shirou had helped him out – and he was now on food-fetching duty, which was really his favorite duty. This was partly because his only other duty was to stand outside of a door and listen to the muffled sounds of passion coming from the other side, and partly because he got to talk with other members of the War at the same time.

By the time Gilgamesh managed to crawl back up the stairs – looking a bit worse for wear – he found six Servants and five Masters – and the priest – laughing together over a meal of something that he couldn't quite make out from his position, but that still managed to smell heavenly.

Gilgamesh was _not_ pleased.

Not only were they violating the beauty of the War of the Holy Grail, they were talking to Saber, _his_ Saber.

Someone was going to die for this. They would die most painfully.

Unfortunately for Gilgamesh's plans for vengeance, his attempted interruptions of the Lunch-break Peace-treaty was met with... annoyance.

Gilgamesh realized, a little too late, that even a King could be killed if they challenged an entire army by themselves.

Shirou realized that the human body possessed a lot more bones than most people would consider, and that many of these tended to be horribly fragile. He made a mental note to be more mindful of this in the future.

Kotomine realized that he was now at the mercy of the participants of this crazy War, and did the sensible thing. He put a bit more chili on his toast.

XXX

**A/n: It started as a dumb conversation, and then it grew. Unfortunately, I can't think of a way to end this since nobody – aside from Gilgamesh – ever actually gets injured by this silly war of theirs, and so this is as far as it'll go. I hope that you enjoyed it.**


	2. A Godfather's Fate

A Godfather's Fate

**Summary: Fate Stay Night, without the magic, but most definitely with the War. Mafia-style.**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

XXX

_I'm getting out._ The thought echoed inside of his head as he wandered through the result of his family-in-law's ambitions.

Kiritsugu loved his wife and his daughter, but this was not something he could allow himself to be part of. This was beyond redemption.

The smell of burning flesh would've made another man sick to his stomach, but he'd been hardened over the years in the Einzbern family's service. Even so, the stench was almost overpowering.

Everything around him was burning, everyone around him was burning. There was no life in this place. Only death, seemingly endless in its supply.

He'd been part of what'd caused this.

Unlike the Einzberns, he'd never wanted much in his life. A wife, a family, a home; the ability to keep his bar running smoothly.

It'd been a nice bar, and he had many fond memories of it. Smooth, oily wood, glittering glass lining the shelves. It'd been a meeting place for many people.

In hindsight, it'd been the place that led him to where he was now.

The bar had given him connections, the bar had allowed him to meet the Einzberns, the bar had made him useful as a friend to the family. So useful in fact, that they gave their only heir's hand in marriage to him.

She'd given birth to a beautiful daughter, and how he'd loved them both. But he couldn't allow himself to be used by the Einzberns any longer. He was getting out.

Stumbling through what he presumed had once been a house, but was now only low, faintly crackling walls, he came upon a sight he'd never believed himself to see.

A boy.

A boy was lying there, one of his arms stretched up against the sky as if to grasp it.

He was alive. There was life here. And where there was life, perhaps there was still hope.

XXX

_The clouds look strange when seen from above._ Ilya smiled at the thought, this was the first time she'd ever flown.

Berserker was sitting next to her, the silent, giant of a man was a comforting presence. She was finally going to get answers, she was going to learn the truth behind her father's betrayal all those years ago.

She was the only Einzbern heir left, and many of her bodyguards had protested when she'd suggested this course of action, but Berserker had simply nodded and grunted his acceptance of her orders.

It wasn't as if he was being rude, a long time ago when she'd still been a child she'd tried to make the silent, giant of a man to speak to her. She'd spent years trying to find some way to get him to say anything that could be associated with actual words. She'd failed. He would nod, shake his head, grunt, and scream. Otherwise he might as well have been a rock with legs – which would certainly explain some aspects of his physique.

And now she was going to the country where his father had refused to return from, the country where, according to the rumors she'd been able to trace down, he'd adopted a son.

XXX

Kirei felt a smile creeping its way to his lips.

He couldn't ask for a more perfect setting.

The only heir of that ancient family had not only abandoned most of her guards in order to keep a low profile, she'd basically arrived at his doorstep.

Maybe this was God's wish?

He didn't particularly care for any of the power that he might gain from killing the girl, but the thought of what it'd do to the families around them was simply delightful.

The Matous would leap at the opportunity for power, to be able to restore themselves to their former glory, and the Tohsakas on who's land she'd die would be the ones blamed by all of the Einzberns allies.

It was perfect.

The families would go for each others' throats like rabid dogs. And he would get a front row seat, just close enough to the scene that he might get splattered by a few stray drops of blood.

"I'm looking forward to it as well Kirei, but you probably shouldn't smile like that in front of that Tohsaka girl, she's clever enough to realize what's going on." the blond-haired man took a sip of his wine, calmly observing the altar.

Gilgamesh knack for reading others without even seeming to glance at them had unnerved a lot of enemies over the years, and adding that to his cold-hearted effectiveness made it easy to see why he was labeled as one of the best at what he did.

Of course, there were those who disagreed with that statement, but any who did so in his presence usually weren't heard from again.

Kirei had found Gilgamesh's diligence in hiding the bodies to be quite enjoyable.

XXX

"Senpai. Wake up senpai."

Shirou struggled to open his heavy eyelids at the sound of the familiar voice.

Was it already that late?

"Ah, good morning Sakura." Sakura smiled in response and rose to her feet.

"Good morning senpai."

_She's really grown into a lovely young woman._ Flinching somewhat at the thought, Shirou got up from the floor – apparently he'd fallen asleep in the shed again.

"Sorry for having you wake me." her smile simply grew warmer.

"I don't mind, in fact, I enjoy the times when I can start the day by waking senpai."

Fighting off the blush that attempted to rise to his cheeks, Shirou tried to find something else to look at.

Unfortunately for him, the shed looked much like it always did, filled with junk, broken junk, almost but not quite fixed junk, junk that was probably beyond repair but that he didn't feel like throwing out, and some tools. Pausing momentarily to wonder at how many of the things inside had been broken by Fuji-nee – the sheer amount of collateral damage that she'd stacked up over the years was quite impressive – he finally realized that he was still wearing his work-overalls.

As a frown slowly developed on his face, Sakura was quick to take advantage of her head-start.

"Breakfast should be ready soon." and – still smiling – she disappeared out the door.

Deciding that he really did need to change before entering the house, Shirou sighed and surrendered the cooking to his kouhai. He'd probably arrive at the kitchen when it was time to set the table.

XXX

"That damn brat of the Einzberns! If she wants to travel, then she can travel with her damn guards! Stop making trouble for the landowners you spoiled rich-kid!" Archer sighed in response to her repetitive yelling at the wall.

The realization that Ilyasviel von Einzbern, the single heir to that ancient family, was coming to her land with virtually no protection at all, had been enough to severely worsen Rin's mood – which hadn't been very good to begin with because she'd been trying to sleep when Archer had rushed into her room with the news.

Ever since then, she'd cursed, rounded up people to make sure that the Einzbern heir was protected, cursed some more, kicked a chair, sipped on some tea, growled at Archer for his snide comments, and then cursed a little bit more just to be sure that she got the message across.

"Rin, I trust that you _are_ aware that this is a school day?" Archer seemed quite content in his armchair and Rin suppressed the urge to try and tip it over – something that wouldn't be all too hard to do if you knew where to push.

"Of course I know that it's-... it's a school day?" suddenly ceasing her endless pacing, she met the man's eyes. He nodded, a small smile touching his lips before quickly being replaced with his usual, calm mask.

"Whilst the matter with the Einzberns is of a much higher priority, you should still try to at least remember your other obligations Rin." she knew that she deserved that scolding, but it still made her flinch slightly – she really hated how he could always remain so calm even in the most pressed situations.

"So, you want me to go to school?" she eyed the man suspiciously – she trusted him, but she never knew what went through his head.

"I believe that you might as well, there's not much you can do from now on, other than wait."

Continuing to watch him for a moment, she finally nodded in acceptance.

"Fine, so be it." she strode past Archer, and tipped his armchair in the passing. His surprised outcry, and the pleasant, loud thump as he hit the floor signaled that she'd succeeded in getting back on him for waking her this early. She didn't even try to hide her smug grin. "Get the car, would you Archer?"

XXX

It'd been a very average day for Shirou. Fuji-nee had done her usual, dumb routine at breakfast, Sakura and him had walked together to school, he'd helped Issei with fixing some things, Fuji-nee had done her usual, odd things during homeroom, and as he'd left school, he'd decided to pass by the shopping district to pick up some ingredients for dinner.

Basically, it had been a day so much like any other, that there'd been absolutely no way that he could've in any way anticipate this.

"Onii-chan!" the small girl pounced at him.

It should be noted that he'd never seen the girl before in his life, and that she was either mistaking him for someone else, or simply hugging random strangers on the street for reasons that were beyond him. He was hoping that it was the former, because then he might be able to help her find whoever it was that she was looking for.

Grabbing onto the small girl and spinning a little so as not to fall over, Shirou wondered at the pale-haired girl's lightness.

"Umm, might I ask who you are?" she looked up at him, slightly startled, before smiling widely.

"My name is Ilyasviel von Einzbern, but you might call me Ilya, onii-chan."

This answer did nothing to explain anything, and so he opened his mouth to try to explain to her that he really did not have the faintest clue as to who she was and why she had pounced on him. But he was interrupted.

Several men in suits were moving towards them through the crowd.

Shirou had never seen much problems with having people in suits approaching him, but many of these people seemed to have a hand hidden from sight. And, considering the amount of men that were moving towards them, he couldn't bring himself to believe that this was all a big coincidence.

A small girl shows up, introduces herself with a foreign name, and people who look very much like they belong on the darker side of society start advancing on their position.

He didn't know what exactly was going on, but he was certain that it couldn't be good.

Apparently, the small girl had noticed what had distracted him.

"Oh, umm... onii-chan, let's talk somewhere else, quickly." she started pulling him towards an alley – which probably wasn't a very good idea if you thought it through, since they'd probably be forced to act much more civil in the presence of the crowd.

Of course, that was only if they decided that she wasn't important enough to make a big fuss of, and if that wasn't the case, there would probably be a lot of victims.

Cursing under his breath, Shirou lifted the small girl into his arms, and ran for the alley.

XXX

"So, what's the situation, Archer?" the man in the driver's seat met her eyes briefly in the rear-view mirror as she settled in the car's backseat.

"It seems like our enemy already made their move against the Einzbern." Archer's voice sounded annoyed, but Rin knew through experience that he was blaming himself for being – what he believed to be – inadequate.

Rin frowned in response, she could admire his diligence and self-discipline in most cases, but she detested when he took the blame for something that was out of his hands.

"It can't be helped, we'll just have to stop them." she turned towards the window. "Let's go."

She could've sworn that she saw a small smile flash across his face out of the corner of her eye, before he turned back to watch the road. "As my master commands."

XXX

Lancer was very good at his job.

The problem, he'd realized, with being very good at his work, was that a lot of people in high places took notice of him. Of course, this meant that he could ask for almost ludicrously high prices, but it also made it somewhat difficult to _decline_ work. High placed people had a strange tendency to hold grudges, he suspected that it was actually a requirement of being placed high up in the pecking order.

Lancer was terrible at holding grudges.

He'd been stabbed, shot, punched, back-stabbed, evicted, dumped, and been treated like dirt on several occasions in his life, yet he couldn't bring himself to think much of it.

It was simply a part of his work.

Though he still didn't really think he'd deserved that eviction – he'd only been a few month's late with his rent – things like that was common place with being muscle-for-hire. The fact that he was really _good_ muscle-for-hire didn't really matter.

Right now he was actually thinking that it would've been nice if he could've just been decent muscle. The thought of shooting a small girl on the street didn't appeal to him, but he couldn't really argue with his employer this time, even though he suspected that all hell would break loose the moment he succeeded – he had a theory going that the false priest was completely insane.

He'd disliked the idea to start with, but he knew how to do his job, and when a redheaded boy grabbed the girl and took off down an alley, he knew that it was going to get annoyingly complicated soon.

He'd never seen the boy before, so the chance of him belonging to any of the families were low – Lancer was _very_ good at his job – but considering the speed he took off at, and the path he picked without seemingly thinking about it, Lancer suspected that he was either trained in running away from mobsters, or just a natural.

In Lancer's experience, _nobody_ was a natural.

Cursing under his breath, he waved to his men, and they took off after the little girl and the redhead.

XXX

Shirou had never dealt with gunfire before and, whilst a part of him was somewhat annoyed at this lack of experience, most of him was feeling quite happy with being allowed to be blissfully ignorant of it up until this point – the latter part was in fact a bit miffed at being forced to experience it at all.

He suddenly felt an odd sense of sympathy towards the characters in action movies – Fuji-nee very much enjoyed those kinds of movies – as bullets sliced through the air at a distance that he didn't find to be even remotely comforting.

The chase had brought them away from the crowd, which was good considering the potential for bystanders to get hit by stray bullets – though a consistently critical part of him still wondered if they would've dared to draw guns in public – and into a neighborhood filled with abandoned warehouses and the like.

It was a place that might as well have been designed for random shootouts. There were places to take cover by, a general lack of populace to get caught up in it, and lots of places to run to – as long as you knew how to pick a lock.

Thankfully, despite not having experience at dealing with gunfire, Shirou was used to danger, good at picking locks, and surprisingly athletic for someone who didn't participate in any of the school's clubs. Also, it didn't hurt that the small girl who seemed to be the cause of all of this, seemed quite competent for someone her age – though her small stature _did_ make it somewhat difficult for her to keep up.

He didn't know why Ilya was being chased by these men, or why they were so quick to open fire – if she belonged to a rich family and they wanted money, kidnapping would probably be a much better idea. Unfortunately, he didn't really have the time to question her for potential reasons.

So, when the armed men were suddenly faced with gunfire of their own, he was left in something akin to frozen shock. Momentarily stunned out of motion.

Not from the bizarre change of the situation, nor from relief at finding allies in this unlikely place.

No, the reason for his shock was something related to those things, yet quite different.

He was stunned to the point where he forgot his words, by the beauty of the girl in front of him.

Golden hair, collected into a tight bun to keep it out of the way, sharp eyes that took in everything in the area, calmly apprising him as she ducked under cover next to him.

"I suspected that this would happen, my name is Saber." Shirou continued blinking dumbly for a moment before responding.

"Emiya Shirou." a strange mix of emotions flashed through the girl's eyes at his name.

"I see, then it is as I feared." she sighed, then turned towards him with a serious face. "I am a friend of your father, I'll explain everything later."

Before Shirou could respond, the girl loosed another round of bullets against the men, then grabbed him by the collar and heaved him to his feet.

"Let's go." he was given no opportunity to argue.

XXX

Lancer had developed an honest dislike for this job.

First, the target to the job he hadn't wanted from the get-go had been picked up by an unarmed, but clearly experienced boy, who'd forced him into a chase that'd led them across half the city, then, when they'd finally got them pinned down, a girl appeared out of nowhere. A girl who was probably among the single most skilled marksmen he'd ever seen.

Deciding that this job had suddenly gained a lot more unpredictable elements than he was comfortable with, Lancer gave the order to retreat as the three of them disappeared around the corner of a warehouse.

He was going to get hell for this, but it was better than running into some kind of trap, besides, he wanted time to retreat before the Tohsakas realized what was happening on their land.

XXX

Rin really didn't like the way this day had turned out.

She'd been dragged out of her bed at an ungodly hour, faced with the threat of a war between the families, gone to school where she'd been forced to act like a proper student, been rushed by car to where the cause for her worry was caught in gunfire, and as if that hadn't been enough. She was now facing down the barrel of a fully functional gun.

Basically, it hadn't been a very good day.

She was vaguely aware of Archer tensing up beside her, uncertain about what to do when she was a slight squeezing motion away from a permanent coffin – somewhere deep down, away from any survival instincts she might possess, she felt oddly smug, she wondered if it might be a instinctive feeling that emerged whenever the man's mask slipped off.

In her state of '_very much concentrating on the thing that might end my life in a few moments_', she didn't register the voices around her, though she still noticed the girl hesitate. Then, as the gun was lowered, she finally realized that the girl standing in front of her was not alone – she was also extremely beautiful, but that wasn't all that important at the moment.

Behind her was a smaller girl with hair that seemed white, and a boy that she thought was strangely familiar for some reason.

"Tohsaka?" the blonde girl who'd spoken wasn't facing her, but the boy, with a questioning expression, apparently confused by something. "... I see, I did hear that that man had a daughter..." she nodded slowly, and Rin's eyebrows shot up.

How did this girl know her father?

Resisting the sudden urge to question the girl about it, she glanced towards the the ones standing behind her.

The little girl was the Einzbern heir – jackpot – but the boy was something of a shock. Emiya Shirou stood in front of her, looking mildly curious, and sneaking confusedly annoyed glances at Archer whenever he got the chance.

Dismissing whatever reason her classmate had for being annoyed at Archer, Rin took a deep breath, ignored the two others and turned towards the reason for her day being ruined.

"My name is Tohsaka Rin, and I'm here to keep you safe for as long as you stay on our land." the small girl looked at her and frowned, but nodded her head in respect nonetheless.

"I see, though I'm here on personal matters rather than business, I appreciate your concern for my safety, Tohsaka." the small girl grabbed onto Shirou's elbow. "But I'll be in the care of onii-chan."

Shirou looked just as confused as Rin felt.

XXX

"So you failed?" Kirei didn't look towards the man in the doorway, focusing instead on the giant oil painting in front of him.

He liked the painting, though he supposed that most people wouldn't.

It'd been created during a time when sinners had been punished in inventive and, if he did say so himself, enjoyable ways.

A part of him would sometimes regret being born into this era, where such things were considered a sin in themselves. But he'd quickly understood the joy of stirring unrest in an era of comfortable peace. The indignant terror that those who were soon disposed of in Gilgamesh's usual ways expressed towards him had proven to be ample payment.

"Yes, Kotomine-dono. She was protected by two people I had no knowledge of." Kirei was caught somewhere between an intrigued smile, and an annoyed frown.

He didn't like the idea that his plan's had been interrupted, but the thought that someone of whom not even Lancer had any knowledge of had come to the Einzbern heir's aid did rouse his curiosity.

"I see, then could you describe them to me?"

"First there was a boy with red hair. He seemed to have been trained to some extent, and though I believe that he was unarmed, he was able to prolong the chase for quite some time."

Kirei nodded thoughtfully, he'd never heard of such a boy.

"Then, when we'd finally cornered them, a girl with golden hair came to their aid. She was probably among the best gunmen I've ever heard of." Kirei blinked, memories flooding him for a moment.

But that couldn't be the case. She'd retired ten years ago.

Shaking his head to clear it from the images, he dismissed Lancer with a final order to keep track of the heir's whereabouts until further notice.

He would have to have a talk with the Matou family.

XXX

Rider looked down at the courtyard where Shinji was yelling at one of his subordinates about something. She really couldn't stand the boy and had been immensely relieved when she'd been assigned to his sister. Because even if Shinji _did_ have some sway over her as the head of the family, she didn't have to put up with his whims, or fear his sudden temper – at least not directly.

Besides, she very much enjoyed the young girl's company, even if it was somewhat sparse since the young girl started to visit that Emiya-boy.

The only drawback with her position was that she had to report the girl's movements to her grandfather.

A grandfather whom didn't seem to really approve of the boy she spent so much time with.

Rider was certain that if him and Shinji hadn't been such close friends whilst growing up, her visits would be out of the question.

She pushed up her glasses and sighed, she really hoped for Sakura to be happy, and the way she tended to smile whenever the Emiya-boy was mentioned, proved to her that he made her just that. It made her feel as if she was betraying her whenever she reported her movements to the unsettling old man.

"Rider, is something wrong?" Sakura walked up to her with an uncertain expression.

"Nothing in particular." she turned back towards the window.

"Nii-san again?" Sakura was standing next to her.

"Not quite, but close enough I suppose..." the young girl frowned slightly at her response.

"Then _tell_ me, Rider."

The silence stretched between them for a bit, until she finally opened her mouth once more, still turned towards the courtyard below.

"Sakura," she seemed a bit startled by her serious tone, "if you ever decide to abandon this house, I'll take you wherever you wish to go."

The younger girl watched her, bewildered for a moment, and then she too turned towards the courtyard.

"I know. You're a good friend, Rider."

XXX

Shirou had never seen a man that was so... gigantic, before.

Berserker looked something like a mountain that, for reasons inconceivable, someone had crammed inside of a human.

"And why, might I ask, did your only bodyguard leave you alone?" Rin drawled on in a voice that made it very clear what she thought of this.

"Don't blame Berserker! He only did it because I told him to." Ilya sent a pointed glare in the older girl's direction, obviously protective.

Rin opened her mouth in response, but the man called Archer cut her off.

"If I may interject, a bodyguard's duty is to make sure their charge is safe at all times, regardless of said charge's personal wishes." Ilya sent a glare in his direction too.

"I _was_ safe, I was with onii-chan!"

Rin's eye twitched in a way that made Shirou feel unusually at peace with Saber standing in-between the two of them. He was a firm believer that girl's shouldn't be the ones to fight, but he supposed that he could make some sort of exceptions to the rule in light of the stunningly short temper that the school's princess was currently exhibiting.

However, as Rin opened her mouth to spit venom – it might sound rude, but that was honestly what it looked like – Saber spoke.

"Ilyasviel, it would not be a good idea to rely on the training of an unarmed and uninformed amateur to keep you safe."

Shirou felt a little offended, but decided not to comment, seeing as how the Tohsaka heir was apparently starting to reach the breaking point for not being interrupted whenever she opened her mouth.

"Onii-chan isn't weak!" he might've decided not to speak up for himself, but it was slightly comforting to hear of the little girl's confidence in him, however misplaced it might be.

"He's an inexperienced fool." the venom in Archer's voice was enough to make Rin blink.

"Archer...?" she, in fact, looked quite stunned.

"Rather than attempting to lose her pursuers in the crowd, he went out of his way to get to a scarcely populated area where his enemies – whom were clearly armed – no longer had any reason to hold back."

"You mean that I should've risked them opening fire in the middle of the street!?" Shirou glared at the coldly calculating man in front of him.

"The odds that they would've done so were minute, as I'm certain that you know."

"And what if they'd done it anyways!?"

"You can't protect everyone, it would be for the better if you realized this immediately."

He opened his mouth to respond, but Saber cut him off. "Shirou, whilst I do not approve of his methods, I do not believe that this is the correct time or place to discuss this."

Rin, finally snapping out of her stunned silence, nodded. "I trust that you have a better place in mind?"

Saber glanced over at her with a curt nod. "The Emiya estate should suffice."

"Very well, lead the way."

XXX

**A/n: And that's as far as I can write. Uncertain of which Route it should follow – if any – uncertain of how Caster and Assassin changes things, and still not able to write the genre properly. I surrender.**


	3. Teach us Archersensei!

Teach us Archer-sensei

**Summary: Fate Stay Night, no magic, no War, just the general school life as it might've been had everyone been Normal. Romance, humor, fluff.**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

XXX

Archer looked at the teacher in front of him.

"Taiga, don't fall asleep at your desk."

The woman twitched at hearing her name, but since it wasn't the complete nickname, she didn't budge.

Archer sighed. He knew that it would be a lot to ask, but he really wished that his friend and colleague could try to act a bit more responsible every now and then.

Throwing another glance at the clock, Archer took a deep breath and steeled himself for the inevitable.

"Wake up Taiga-sensei!" The result was instantaneous as Fujiwara Taiga shot from her seat.

"Don't call me Taiga!"

"Look at the clock." Archer gestured towards said clock with a deadpan expression.

Unconsciously following his calm direction, the teacher looked at the clock, paling substantially.

"I'm late!" And then she was out of the teachers' lounge like tiger-striped lightning.

"I suppose I should get going as well..."

Archer was quite certain that it'd be acceptable to most students if he were to show up late, but this was the class he had with Saber, and he'd long since come to the conclusion that getting in between her and her food was like stepping in front of an oncoming train. Really dumb, and, even if not definitely fatal, then clearly a good way to get comatized.

Smirking to himself at the memory of coming home to find Ilya nursing his little brother back to life from such an event, Archer arrived at his classroom.

There were a few things that Archer knew that he was any good at. Fighting – he could usually keep Saber from instantly knocking him unconscious – fixing things – Taiga had given him many opportunities to practice – and cooking – the only one he viewed as worthy of challenging him being a specific underclassman of Shirou's.

Apparently, these skills seemed to run in the family.

Shirou would often help out with fixing things in school, never really stopped practicing against Saber, and was supposedly the one who'd first taught Sakura how to cook decently.

Archer knew that his little brother would one day be able to reach him, but he'd be damned if he allowed the boy to know this. Because, frankly, the guy could be really annoying.

The lesson started in the same way they usually started, Sakura proved herself to be worthy of his regard, Saber clung to him until he gave in and began to make a batch of the cookies as well – he'd have to surrender them to the golden-haired girl before the end of the lesson, but it was better than incurring her wrath – and he did his best to keep the rest of the students from messing up all too much.

Sakura was a great cook, and it wasn't rare for the other students to come to her for advice, rather than him, which he found to be truly impressive. It was a shame that her taste in men was so completely down the drain.

Saber, on the other hand, tended to mess things up. Her inabilities wasn't nearly as bad as Taiga's, but it was bad enough for him to be seriously hesitant to let her near a stove without supervision.

It was a nice day, and the birds were happily chirping away as the Home Economics teacher made his way to the archery range.

There was no need for him to practice, not really, he'd never had to worry about hitting the targets, and he managed to keep fit anyway, but he enjoyed it. There was a certain calm in releasing the arrow.

Shirou was similarly at ease with hitting the target, but had unlike him quit the club after an accident, deciding instead to put focus on his part time job. Which was another reason to smack the kid over the head. Children should remain children for as long as possible, end of story.

Taiga was already there, something that would've been surprisingly responsible if you hadn't remembered that she still had a lot of paperwork to do back on her desk, and so was Sakura, once again proving how dedicated she could be to a target.

She really _did_ have horrible taste in men though.

XXX

Rin didn't like Archer.

It wasn't that he was a bad teacher, he was probably among the best she'd come across, it was simply the fact that the man had this insistent way of getting on her nerves.

Tohsaka Rin, known in school as an honor student, and known by the Emiya-household as the devil in red.

She dropped by every now and then to check up on her little sister and make sure that her classmate wasn't taking advantage of her in some way. So far, she'd come to the conclusion that Shirou was quite probably the densest man alive.

A beautiful girl had dropped by and cooked his meals for him for the last few years, practically living together in a lovey-dovey manner that could upset anyone's stomach from the sweetness of it all. And, despite this, Shirou had yet to realize that the girl was trying to get into his pants.

Clearly, at this rate Sakura might've troubles getting him into bed even if she were to jump him and drag him there. Not that Rin would allow anything like that to happen, regardless of her sister's wishes.

Fujiwara-sensei was irresponsible, Shirou was dense, Sakura was her precious little sister, Saber was kind of cute – and always appreciated a well-made meal – and Ilya was very good at manipulating her brothers into treating her like a princess – not that that was actually difficult. Archer however, was extremely aggravating.

He could praise her cooking, and yet point out mistakes that she had no choice but to agree on, he could easily best her in any physical activity, which he never bothered with doing, he had a very annoying tendency to use sarcasm. And finally, above all, he refused to stop being so goddamn attractive.

That was a completely unbiased view by the way. He was quite famous in school for being handsome.

Grumbling under her breath about frustratingly good-looking teachers, Rin finally made it to her destination.

The school looked much like it had when she'd gone to it herself, which was hardly surprising as these things never really seemed to change.

Her mission was to pick up a certain girl. A certain, pale-haired girl that happened to have her brothers wrapped around her finger.

Usually, Archer was the one to pick up Ilya from her school, except for one time a week where he'd help coach the archery club. Normally on these days, Ilya would be picked up by Saber – who was currently in the infirmary after having eaten something bad – or Shirou – who, unfortunately had already promised to help out at his part time job.

Fujiwara would never pick her up due to nobody trusting the woman with anything remotely similar to responsibility, and Sakura wouldn't do it because they never got along – Ilya was quite possessive of her brother and didn't enjoy the thought of having him stolen away.

Which was why Rin was now the one with orders to pick her up.

Well, maybe not orders – Archer would never give her orders – he'd simply asked, and she'd agreed.

That didn't stop her from grumbling about it though, grumbling was definitely within her rights, and she'd be damned if she didn't use them.

"Rin-san!" Ilya shot out of a nearby doorway as if she was trying to make a perfect impression of a bullet.

She came quite close.

Rin wasn't ready for the girl's speed, and the momentum of the girl's tackle almost sent her to the ground.

"Are you here to pick me up?" Ilya looked up at her with sparkling eyes.

Rin felt a smile making its way to her face at the sight, she could understand why her brothers were treating her like a princess.

"Yeah, Archer asked me to."

A lot of people in her school were very curious as to why she refused to call the man by his proper title, but she'd known him since before, and calling him 'sensei' just seemed weird to her. Not that it'd stopped Sakura, but Rin was quite certain that the girl was simply much too polite for her own good.

She also had a terrible taste in men.

Of course, mentioning Archer's name without honorifics when on a schoolyard which he frequented had some consequences she really should've considered before opening her mouth.

Several members of the female staff were suddenly next to her, trying very hard to make her tell them what her relationship was with the handsome man.

When she told them that she was a friend of the family since a young age, their response was to float off into their own little worlds of delusions, mumbling happily delirious things about such a handsome man dating someone so much younger.

Desperately trying to quell such delusions before they turned into full-blown rumors, Rin quickly found herself overwhelmed.

Truly, the gossiping-power of older women is to be feared.

Grabbing onto Ilya and instead making a run for it, Rin finally escaped from their clutches, but not before her face had managed to gain something of a permanent blush.

XXX

"M-My p-pudding-..."

Such sounded the words that would lead to an unfortunate tiger's demise.

They were spoken by Saber, who'd been saving that particular pudding for later.

Of course, not even Taiga was dumb enough to mess with Saber's food consciously – well, not _again_ at least – but the problem was that she hadn't really been paying attention.

Thankfully for the furniture, Archer was able to use his authority as 'super-chef', to force them into fighting it out in the dojo, rather than indoors.

Ilya was nice enough to tell Taiga that she would miss her, and that she would bring flowers to her grave at least once a week... or maybe once a year... she was fairly certain that she _might_ end up bringing flowers at some point in time... maybe.

Strangely enough, Taiga didn't really appreciate her dedication.

Sakura got ready to administer first aid once Taiga lost consciousness, whilst Shirou went out on a sacred quest for pudding, starting at the nearest store.

Rin sipped her tea.

It was a normal day at the Emiya household.

Never a dull moment.

Back when Sakura had first started to integrate into the strange household Rin had made it a habit to check in on her, just to make sure that the youngest male in the family didn't try anything funny. Instead, she'd found herself being dragged into the large, makeshift family.

Most of the time, she didn't really mind.

Except when Archer opened his mouth. The man had a way to get on her nerves without even trying.

Or, it was technically fully possible that he actually _was_ trying...

Sending a glare in Archer's direction at the thought, Rin continued to nurse her warm tea.

Still, it was nice. To be surrounded by noise, chaos that danced around her in all directions. It was very different to the Tohsaka mansion, a place that seemed to be designed like a fortress, keeping others at bay.

This place reminded her more of a vortex, it dragged you into its center, and then it tried to steal your food.

Rin smirked into her cup as Taiga's cries of suffering echoed through the walls.

XXX

Assassin didn't like his job.

No, scratch that, he liked his job, he just didn't like the people he encountered on it.

The woman with pointed ears continued to ramble on and on about her complaints, and Assassin had to wonder at the fact that there was actually a man somewhere who'd chosen to spend the rest of his life with her _willingly_.

Then again, her husband was a very odd man, and he was quite certain that she acted extremely different when in his presence.

There was something you called that, wasn't there?

Ah, of course, 'two-faced'.

Decidedly putting that thought away before he accidentally blurted it out to her face, Assassin sighed and nodded as she continued to list all the things he needed to fix.

Thankfully, none of the things she were listing were located in the bedroom.

He didn't have anything against bedrooms, but this one seemed to have seen a bit too much activity for his comfort.

Odd the man might be, but the thing that really disturbed Assassin was his ungodly amount of stamina.

Suppressing the memories of nights filled with endless noises from the other floor, and an uncomfortable amount of passionate cries from the woman in front of him at the moment, Assassin assured her that he would see to it that her complaints were taken care of.

If it weren't for the people living there, this was probably the best job in the world. He could sleep in whenever he wished, he had a roof over his head, and everything his attendants asked in return was for him to make sure that everything worked in their apartments.

Still, there should be some sort of limit to things being complained about, right?

Thankfully, he had other things to do today than listen to Caster's endless complaints.

Having made sure that she didn't feel like he was simply running away from her, Assassin made his way towards the meeting with a certain old man.

He knew that most people in his position would rather listen to absurd lists of work to do from crazy attendants than visit a yakuza boss, but he'd always gotten along with the man. It was a bit strange perhaps, considering that they didn't really share any hobbies, but apparently the man seemed to enjoy his calm attitude towards the happenings around them.

That, and Assassin had a vague suspicion that he wanted to be in a friendly situation with other landowners. But, regardless, it was usually pleasant to drop by.

XXX

Shirou stared at the new addition to the usual dinner table.

Archer had had some things to catch up on and would probably be home by late evening, so there was no risk of any shortage of food – Shirou glanced over at the already-drooling Saber – any more than usual anyway.

The man was apparently a friend of Taiga's dad, and had been picked up by said woman as she went over to the place where she usually spent the meals.

Shirou wasn't really sure why she'd done this, but he was fairly certain that it wasn't the man's fault, and as such directed his pointedly puzzled glance towards his easy-going teacher.

"Fuji-nee, there's not really any problem with guests, but it would be nice to at least get a heads-up before you start dragging people over here..."

"Wha-...! Shirou! How dare you make it sound like I'm irresponsible!?"

"Taiga _is_ irresponsible." Ilya pointed out heartlessly.

"You devil-child!"

"Seconds please." Saber held her bowl up to him, clearly indicating that she'd been ignoring the conversation completely.

Shirou dutifully filled the bowl. There would be no point in trying to interfere with Taiga and Ilya's bickering, it was, after all, what they always did.

Sakura was trying to make her appetite less noticeable – she might still be able to fool Saber, but the others already knew, and he'd never understand why she still insisted on trying to keep it a secret.

Saber was emptying bowl upon bowl at a ferocious pace, still managing to look as if she was enjoying every bite.

Ilya and Taiga was arguing, but still managing to pack away a decent amount of food, regardless.

Tohsaka kept glancing over at the door, alternating between glaring and looking oddly wistful – which was the usual way she acted whenever Archer was going to be late.

And their guest – a man named Assassin – was seemingly fascinated by the entire spectacle, but still managed to compliment the cooking. Truly, whoever he was and however Taiga had manged to snag him on her way over, he was a good guy.

XXX

Sakura had to hide a smile as Archer finally entered the room.

Her sister always insisted that she couldn't stand the man, but frankly, she kind of reminded her of an anxious puppy whenever he was late – the red devil of the Emiya-household had a taste in men that was just as horrible as her own.

Since Shirou was currently trying to explain to Saber that there would be no more snacks, Ilya took it upon herself to explain Assassin's presence at the table, proving as she did so just how true some of Taiga's name-calling actually was.

"Onii-san! Taiga brought home a _man_!"

Feeling somewhat conflicted about watching another person having a heart-attack, Sakura didn't know what to do as Archer simply stared at his little sister.

Assassin blinked, clearly shocked by the sudden exclamation.

Taiga appeared to have fried a brain-circuit, making it seem as if smoke from the malfunction would soon find itself leaking out through her ears.

Shirou was snickering, completely disregarding the health of his elder brother – actually, considering how well they got along, that might be the part that he was finding funny – Rin clearly joining in, but being much better at hiding it.

Saber simply looked puzzled.

Finally, Taiga managed to gather enough of her scattered wits and launched her attack on the smaller girl.

Chaos ensued.

Sakura rushed to Shirou's side as he was sent to the floor by an angered tiger, Rin withdrew to a safe distance with practiced ease, Archer kept blinking and making weird noises, thereby proving that he still hadn't recovered from the original shock, Ilya fled around the room like a white whirlwind, Taiga took up chase, and Saber did her best to protect the chefs of the house from getting caught in the middle.

Shirou wasn't seriously hurt, having learned since long ago that the best way to avoid injury when encountering an angered animal was to play dead – Sakura wasn't sure if that really worked in the wild though – and so she started to pull him away from any all too immediate harm.

As a pleasantly calm laughter started to echo between the walls, the usual routine of the house was suddenly aborted.

Assassin was sitting with his cup of tea, looking like he was very much enjoying the show.

"It pains me to say it when it received such a reaction, but though I am a friend of Fujiwara-san's father, I don't believe I know his daughter well enough to warrant such a description." He made a small bow towards Taiga. "I hope I've not offended you in stating this."

Ilya stared at him with wide eyes, Taiga was gaping, Shirou had forgotten about playing dead, Saber seemed a bit startled, Rin almost spilled tea on herself, Sakura was staring, and Archer was blinking.

Assassin looked up at them, apparently curious to their prolonged silence.

"Taiga," Archer's voice was firm, the kind of voice he only used when he was being fully serious, his eyes never wavering. "Marry this man."

The world stopped for a moment, then all hell broke loose.

"Eeeh!?"

Taiga had developed a deep blush, Assassin was gaping, Saber was staring, Ilya's knees buckled, Rin seemed to be choking, Shirou was glaring at Archer, and Archer kept his eyes locked on Assassin.

"He does have a point you know..." Sakura looked somewhat thoughtful as everyone whipped around towards her. "Ah, well, he's amused by Fujiwara-sensei's antics, gets along well with her father, has a steady income, and..." Frowning a little, she turned towards the man in question. "Do you know how to cook?" He nodded weakly. "And he knows how to cook. Clearly, she'd be stupid to let him go."

The inhabitants of the house continued to stare at her, obvious disbelief filling their faces as they processed what she'd just said.

Saber turned towards the teacher.

"I agree, it would certainly be for the best if you did." Sakura wondered how much that was her wanting to procure another potential chef into her circle of acquaintances, but decided not to say anything.

"As much as I hate to admit it, it does make sense..." Shirou nodded thoughtfully.

As what was more or less classified as her family declared that she should marry someone she'd just met, Taiga did the only sensible thing. She pouted, made an offended sound, and then returned to her seat, sent pointed glares in the directions of those who'd spoken in favor of the marriage, and pretended that she wasn't still blushing.

XXX

Ilya stared out through the window.

She wasn't certain what she was watching, but it was very, _very_ interesting, thus resulting in a distinct lack of concentration on what might be occurring on her side of the glass, or at least, she was trying to make it seem like it.

Gilgamesh was rambling again.

Ilya had long since realized that he was easily the most annoying person alive.

Sure, Sakura got on her nerves, and Issei kept looking like he was poised to run away whenever she showed up – usually muttering something about being 'manipulative' – but only Gilgamesh could actually make her consider cutting off her ears just so that she might shut out all of the noises that always seemed to be leaking out through that self-absorbed smile of his.

Either that, or cut out his tongue.

On an unrelated note, the teacher's didn't allow Ilya to handle knives anymore.

Unfortunately, even if she did ignore her annoying classmate to the best of her abilities, she couldn't block out all of the words, meaning that she had a reasonably clear image of what he was talking about today. Not that today was any different from every day, it appeared.

Endlessly ranting on about how she should help him in his new plot to woo Saber, having settled for using the argument that he was simply perfect in every way – rather than trying to bribe her this time – and as such it was her duty to prove it to the beautiful, older girl.

Which was really, _really_ useless, because frankly, Saber hated his guts.

She hadn't even tried to be subtle about it, and had actually ended up getting scolded by the teacher's for threatening to break his arm if he ever reached for a girl's skirt again – that he'd dared do so to _her_ of all women in the first place, simply proved that he was much too stupid to be of any use to the evolutionary gene-pool. The teachers hadn't put a lot of actual heart behind it, but they _had_ technically scolded her, so there.

Ilya wasn't really sure how the minds of her other classmates worked, seeing as how they actually appeared to admire the blond-haired boy who was far too self-obsessed for his own – as well as anyone in his close vicinity who were in possession of ears – good. In fact, she was still struck with such horrified disgust whenever any of the girls came up to her and asked her if the two of them were dating that she'd made it a habit to carry around a puke-bag whilst on school grounds.

Not that she'd actually used it, she just felt safer having it with her.

As Gilgamesh reached what appeared to be the climax for his speech – that largely consisted of him praising himself for all manner of things, like how the sun had still risen to the sky this morning – Ilya sighed and abandoned her attempts at ignoring him, instead turning towards him with cold eyes.

"If you ever talk to me again, I will rip out your guts and feed it to the dogs, you revolting piece of trash."

Gilgamesh smiled happily in response, seemingly only aware of how he'd managed to draw her eyes to him, and thus proving to him that he was the greatest thing in the world.

She _really_ couldn't stand this guy.

"Which is why you should introduce me to Saber!"

Ilya looked at him for a moment, too annoyed to actually form coherent words, before finally deciding that he _had_ actually already been warned.

XXX

"I can't believe you got into a fight with one of your classmates..." Archer looked down at her with a sternly disapproving face.

"I'm sorry Onii-san..." Doing her best to look small and pitiful, Ilya suppressed a satisfied smile when she thought of Saber's reaction had been at hearing how she'd given the boy a black-eye, a nose-bleed, several bruises, and not a few scratches.

Saber had looked at her critically for a moment, before breaking into a proudly beaming smile and giving her a much-deserved hug.

The rest of the Emiya-household had been more difficult to persuade into letting her go without a proper trial. Sakura and Rin had surrendered her punishment to be decided by the others since they didn't really want to interfere with her upbringing – Saber had quickly seconded at that, and then guiltily slunk away into a corner – whilst Taiga's calls for blood had gone ignored through force of habit. This left only Shirou and Archer, her two brothers, to decide her fate .

"Well..." Her eldest brother's face scrunched up in a barrage of conflicting feelings, "Just don't let it happen again, okay?"

"I won't." _-leave him alive next time._ She finished to herself quietly, happily content with not having lied to anyone, just forgotten to mention it.

Still doing her best to look small and pitiable, she glanced at her youngest, older brother, who chose that particular moment to pass her some ice-cream.

Which he would later insist being purely coincidental when Sakura asked him about it.

Ilya might be forced to give up her two brothers at some point – and just maybe looking forward to gaining Rin as an _actual_ sister just a little – but until then, she had them wrapped around her finger.

And she was going to enjoy it to the fullest.

XXX

Assassin watched in awe as the two combatants danced around the floor of the dojo.

Their styles were unconventional, and the boy's was definitely still in need of work, but with his age in mind, it was obvious that he'd develop into a splendid swordsman in time.

The girl was a different story altogether. Whilst her style wasn't something he'd seen before, that just proved to him that she was truly a warrior to be respected.

It didn't take long before the boy found himself on the floor, but Assassin was finding himself impressed that he'd managed to stand against her for any time at all in the first place.

As Saber declared that they were taking a break, Sakura made her way over to her fallen senpai, moving in what appeared to be a well-practiced routine.

Clearly, the boy would get far if he was willing to suffer against the girl's onslaught in a repeated tradition. Or he was simply too dumb to quit, regardless, Assassin found himself smiling at the sight of the promising boy that were trying to dismiss the womanly girl's doting.

A sweeping glance across those who'd gathered to watch made it obvious that _they_ all knew of Sakura's intentions, meaning that Shirou was apparently the only oblivious one.

Their reactions through the regular sparring session differed somewhat between them though. Taiga had looked as if she'd been reliving a bad memory, Sakura had worn a somewhat dazed look on her face that just made her taste in men even more obvious, Ilya had been cheering happily for either one of their success – sounding a lot like she was happy as long as blood was spilled by _someone _– Rin had been trying her best to hide the devious smile that seemed to have rooted itself on her lips, and, finally, Archer had been watching the boy with something akin to disgust – Assassin was willing to theorize that the two brothers simply couldn't stand being near each other.

Assassin wasn't sure exactly how – though he supposed that the eccentric teacher's insistence played a large part in it – but he'd found himself becoming a frequent guest to the Emiya household. There were many reasons to enjoy it though. The food was wonderful, there was almost always something interesting happening, and, apparently, there were some very intriguing fighting styles to observe.

Smiling a little at the thought of all the complaining that he was currently not experiencing from Caster, Assassin looked up at the golden-haired girl.

"Would it be terribly rude of me to ask to spar with you at some point?"

Saber blinked and turned towards him, the other occupants of the dojo looking equally surprised by his question.

"If you so wish, I see no reason to decline."

His smile widened. Truly, a most wonderful household.

XXX

Rin glanced at the man walking next to her, the man who looked frustratingly good in casual clothing.

The amusement park was filled with people and noise, everything from music to screams, and smells that she loathed to admit, made her mouth water.

Ilya had wanted to go, and so, in true 'we spoil her rotten any chance we get'-style, the Emiya-household somehow managed to locate a startling amount of coupons for just such an occasion. Rin had a sneaking suspicion that Archer had somehow predicted this and made arrangements for it.

Regardless, to the amusement park they went.

Being the hyperactive girl that she was, Ilya had leapt at the biggest, fastest, most scream-inducing roller-coaster she could find, dragging the rest of them along for the ride.

Except Assassin, who'd proved himself to be both wise and cunning, as he'd spent his time watching them from the sidelines.

By the time the horrifying experience had ended, Rin was feeling immensely jealous of the man. She was also feeling sick to her stomach.

Taiga had collapsed in a heap and refused to move, mumbling something about a devil-child. Sakura seemed to have fused with Shirou's arm, much to his nervous embarrassment – and Ilya's displeasure. Saber had stumbled a bit and declared that she was never going to ride something that would interfere with her digestion ever again, before promptly excused herself and moving towards more mouth-watering pleasantries.

Ilya, in a brave, but childishly foolish way, was quick to drag off Shirou to the next attraction, determined to pry Sakura away from her brother, and failing spectacularly at it in the process.

With Assassin promising to watch over Taiga until she could move again, this left Archer and Rin with nothing in particular to do.

Thus, they walked.

Not really feeling any urge to get on another roller-coaster, they kept themselves to the stalls, Archer proving himself to be capable of hitting _anything_ that he set his mind to. So far, she'd become the proud owner of a very, very large – and really quite adorable – stuffed animal, a flag that was perfect for trying to distract the man who was winning souvenirs for the rest of them – she'd only made him miss once, but considering who it was dealing with, the flag would go down in history as legendary – and a pleasant, but probably quite fattening, amount of sweets.

Rin was pleased.

Rin was also trying very hard to ignore how much this would sound like a date if she were to describe it to someone.

So far she was failing.

XXX

"Do you think you could handle food yet?" Assassin inquired the seated woman politely.

Taiga made a thoughtful sound before nodding seriously.

"It should be fine."

"Very well, anything special?" Assassin glanced around at the surroundings, trying to locate any specific stalls.

"Not Saber's cooking."

Assassin raised an eyebrow at the absolute seriousness in the comment, assured her that he wouldn't do that to her, and then set out on a sacred quest to appease the great tiger's appetite.

Not that he'd ever put it like that where she could hear it, he was skilled, but there was just something about her Torashinai that made him feel distinctly uncomfortable with facing her in battle.

Chuckling quietly to himself, he finally made it back to her side, where she praised him with a voice that made it sound as if he'd just saved her from drowning.

As they ate, conversation started flowing, and somewhere along the way, Assassin made a comment about a certain noisy attendant, and her extremely serious husband. A comment which was responded to with a story of a fellow teacher at her school and his extreme sense of correctness.

It took them a long time to realize that they were talking about the same person.

Then Taiga ended up choking as she finally realized that the man was actually _married_ to someone. As in, someone actually decided to spend the rest of her life with the man. Clearly, the woman was insane.

On a different note, Taiga was suddenly very interested in stopping by the building to see what it was like.

It was quite obvious that she wasn't talking about Assassin's workplace as much as her colleague's home. And wife. Definitely the wife.

Assassin felt his lips twitch upwards into a smile as she tried to make excuses, and then politely asked her if she was up to walking yet.

XXX

Ilya didn't like how the day had turned out.

It'd started so well, her brothers falling without effort to her casual whims, and then everything had started to go _annoying_.

She glared at the boy who was trying to question Sakura about the location of Saber.

Sakura didn't seem to be listening, and normally Ilya would've been very peeved by the way she was clinging to her brother, but Gilgamesh was rated a sort of 'top priority of annoyance' so she was ignoring the far-too-developed girl. For now. She'd deal with her the moment the blond pest was divided into dumpsters around the city.

Say what you will about her, but at least she was thorough.

However, before she managed to rip out the boy's throat with her teeth – she could totally have pulled it off, she'd been watching Taiga eat for years – Shirou opened his mouth.

"You look like you got hit by a truck. And then kicked down a hill." Clearly referring to the lingering traces of Ilya's temper, that could still be found on his visage.

Gilgamesh blinked, surprised at being interrupted by someone he hadn't been paying attention to.

"And your face looks like somebody sat on it!" Gilgamesh finally answered with a childish glare.

"Really? You can tell that Saber did that just from looking?" Ilya said in a very-much faked innocent tone.

Gilgamesh looked confused for a moment, and then he started turning a ghostly pale color as he stared at the older boy.

"Y-You-...!" He was twitching all over. It was pretty cool. Ilya made a note to do this more often. "I'll get you for this!" With a final pointed finger towards Shirou he took off running.

Cheering quietly to herself, Ilya grabbed her brother's one unoccupied arm and started dragging him to a new attraction.

Okay, so maybe the day wasn't half bad after all.

XXX

Rin glared at the man who'd helped raise her, doing her best to imprint the wonderful daydream of the man's imminent death through nothing but eye-contact.

Kotomine Kirei was quite possibly one of the very few people she _loathed_. Sure she disliked Archer to the point where she would probably push him into a pool without hesitation. And no, that wasn't because she wanted to drool over him once he reemerged, with wet fabric clinging to his body, and drenched white hair falling into his slightly narrowed eyes...

Okay, she could appreciate a good-looking guy in wet clothes, so sue her.

Anyway, she disliked Archer, she'd on several occasions considered throwing things after Shirou for being far too dense than could possibly be allowed in a human that was capable of reproducing, and after a brief encounter with a very annoying brat she really couldn't help but smirk at Ilya's record of injuring Gilgamesh. But Kotomine was on a different level.

Over the years that he'd spent as her and Sakura's guardian, Rin had grown to know him very closely, and what she saw in him was utterly revolting.

Firstly, he was a priest who had absolutely no faith in the religion he preached. Secondly, he was terrible with children, which made her wonder why their father had ever thought he'd make a good guardian for the two of them. Thirdly, he had a way of staring at mankind's evils with eyes that had made her arm herself before searching all property he owned, looking for heavily mutilated bodies. Fourthly, she wasn't sure whether he was innocent, or if he was simply _that good_ at hiding the evidence.

Rin suppressed a shiver at the thought.

"What are you doing here, you false priest?"

"Ah, Rin. I'm here with my nephew, though I'm not certain as to his location at this time." Kirei glanced at the tanned man standing at her side. "I don't believe we've met, Mr?"

"Emiya. Emiya Archer." The man stated coolly, clearly picking up on her own dislike for the priest.

"Emiya? It's been a long time since I've heard that name... You wouldn't happen to know an Emiya Kiritsugu, would you?"

"He was my adoptive father." Archer's eyes narrowed slightly at the mentioning of the man he, along with his brother, admired so deeply.

"Ah, I see." Kirei nodded thoughtfully. "Anyways, you wouldn't have happened to run across a blond boy, red eyes, somewhat self-centered, about this height?" He gestured with his hand.

"Wait, are you talking about Gilgamesh?" Rin could hardly believe anyone would call that kid _somewhat_ self-centered, the boy seemed to believe himself to be way out of _God's_ league.

"You know him?" He sounded mildly surprised at the prospect.

"Know him, haven't seen him. Happy for it." And with that, Rin turned on her heel and marched off, knowing that Archer would follow – if perhaps in a slightly less abrupt way.

XXX

Ilya was smiling as she heard Saber recount her own meeting with Gilgamesh.

She'd actually disapproved of him enough to give up food to make him shut up.

Sure, she'd 'given it up' by throwing a pie into his face, rather than at the clown in the stall. But, the fact that she hadn't tried to eat it first meant that it'd either smelled horrible, or Gilgamesh had actually managed to override her constant hunger factor.

The day had been a success, even if Sakura had refused to let go of Shirou's arm, even as they began the journey home. Still, considering the amount of blushing her brother did, she supposed that it might be closing in on that time. The time when they actually started dating.

Ilya knew perfectly well that Archer and Rin would end up as a couple. In fact, she'd been planning it for ages. But she also knew that her brother would never confess to his student. Whilst she was still a student.

Assassin seemed to have started to meet up with Taiga outside of the house though, making Ilya feel vaguely disturbed by the idea that _Taiga_ might actually have found herself a man. It was absurd to think about, but that seemed to be what was happening, although there'd been no official or semi-official confessions to that effect, yet.

But even if she complained about Sakura stealing away her brother, she really did wish them well. It was so obvious that she loved him, even if Ilya didn't get along with her, and Shirou obviously returned those feelings, even if currently he was still convinced that she was merely a close friend that he was recently becoming attracted to.

Shirou could be so marvelously dense sometimes.

In fact, Saber and herself were the only ones who were staying away from dating. Ilya because of her age. And Saber because it would probably interfere with her eating habits.

Shaking the image of a grandmother-old Saber who was both still single, and still eating, out of her head, Ilya returned her attention to golden-haired girl in front of her.

XXX

**A/n: Due to a general lack of plot, this is as far as I can reach with this story. Still hopefully it was enough to entertain.**

**Below is Archer's final confession, which was supposed to be used at the end of the story.**

XXX

XXX(Archer/Rin Graduation Confession)

As the principal's speech of utter, supreme boredom finally ground to a halt, and everyone who'd been forced to listen to him breathed a sigh of relief, Archer made his way towards the microphone.

In the crowd was the students that they'd taught for the last few years, family and relatives of the students, and one or two reporters, hoping to get a good shot of the youths who'd be entering into the society of adults.

Archer had never really liked holding speeches. This was partly because he rarely felt he had anything to say that they all needed to hear, and partly because he always had to suppress the urge of utterly humiliating his younger brother in front of a crowd – it was just so _easy_. But, regardless, today he would hold his own speech to the students, even if it was his last chance at really getting the kid for being so extremely aggravating, since he was graduating.

He hadn't really written up something to say, but he was fairly certain he'd be able to improvise well enough for it not to matter.

"As the headmaster says, this is the end of school, and just like him I'm certain that you will go far in life. Unlike him, my requirement is that none of you die of malnourishment, since that would reflect badly on my own work." He paused as a few chuckles spread across the grounds. "You are no longer my students, which is I'm sure is a bittersweet feeling for most of you. That's the way things are, time moves on, and whilst I might still remember the image of Taiga-sensei in an apron the moment when anything in the kitchen spontaneously combusts, I will remember many of you for your own horrible creations."

By this time, most of the crowd was looking quite pleased at the prospect of not being bored to death, which was probably a good thing, because he was now approaching the point where someone among the teachers might have protested had he actually written the speech and let someone read it.

"I will remember you, more or less, and I'm sure that you will remember me, to at least some extent. I'm no longer your teacher. You're no longer my students. And I'm certain that at least some of you will be delighted by this." His eyes could easily locate Shirou's peeved expression at being forced to listen to him. "Regardless, my name is Emiya Archer, brother of the redheaded clueless moron somewhere out there... I'm also the one who has been forced to listen to Taiga ever since we were kids." This drew some snickers and quite a few pitying glances towards him. "And perhaps life will have us cross paths at some point in the future." He finished evenly. "Thank you for your time."

With a final bow towards his audience, Archer jumped down from the podium with careless ease. He was the last speaker, and the crowd was finally allowed to leave their respective seats. He knew that he probably should be returning to talk to the rest of the teachers and be berated by Taiga for saying such mean things, but he didn't really care, instead homing in on a beautiful girl among them.

Rin raised an eyebrow at him as he finally reached her, but didn't seem inclined to voice whatever thoughts were milling about in that head of hers.

"Hello, my name is Archer. You look absolutely stunning." Archer smirked as Rin blinked, her mind slowly catching up to exactly what he was doing at this moment. "Are you going anywhere special today?" He asked, knowing that she hadn't made any plans due to his own previous suggestion.

Rin shook her head, her face growing redder and her eyes widening in a stunned way that looked truly adorable.

"Wonderful." His smirk widened the tiniest fraction.

Then, his hand gently cupping her chin, he met her lips with his own.

He could hear some voices, and some indignant gasps, but the only thing that really mattered was the warm pair of arms that snaked themselves around his neck in response, the thin fingers that buried themselves in his hair, and the lips that melted softly against his own.

A small part of him was awkwardly aware that Ilya had spotted them and was kicking anyone who disapproved of the sight in the shin. He really should berate her for that later, possibly, probably not. _Is that tongue-...?_

The last small part of Archer's awareness gleefully ceased all of the other useless functions and concentrated on the kiss.


End file.
